This Just In!

I received a text from @PurpleBrina17 today!

Her message read:

Ronald McDonald's crazy ass just killed Burger King in front of Dairy Queen over that bitch Wendy. The funeral is at Churches. U goin'?

Of course I had to do some research and then ask other friends the same question...

In my research I found that this feud started some time ago. Apparently, Burger King thought he shot Ronald McDonald last year. So you can imagine his surprise when Ronald McDonald showed up and told him that a clone was killed instead. Shortly after this astonishing news, Ronald McDonald pulled out what some witnesses believed to be a .45 caliber semi-automatic and emptied the clip into the Burger King.

I also heard that Captain D's is actually pulling all funeral arrangements together...

However, I didn't know how I was to get there, IF I were to go.

Shortly after sending this information on, I received a text from @TwiSisterhood. She she said that you take the Subway by KFC Street to get there. She was going to ask Jack, but he's currently in a Box... somewhere.

At this point, I'm not sure I'm going. I really was spooked by that fucking head transplant that King had... He was just really creepy and such a perv (in a bad way).

Let me know if YOU are going!

Email HuMoR -- Retirement

Ok, as said before, people send me the most hilarious emails so I can laugh, because laughter really is good medicine. So without further ado, enjoy!

Retirement

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the "Purina Diet" again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people.. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Why Women Can't Sleep

I love to receive humorous emails, especially when I need a really good laugh. I received this the other day and it explains so much...don't you think?

Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?

Well, it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:

Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.

A man has only 2 balls.

They consume all his thoughts, and he sleeps like a baby.

More later... after I sleep.

Signs of the Modern Woman

As you are aware, I receive some very hilarious emails just about everyday. Some stuff gets a chuckle then tossed, but other stuff, even though labor intensive to share on this blog, is worth more than one chuckle.

I do not know where these images come from...but if they belong to you, it is not my intent to leave these anonymous... Just drop me an email and I'll give credit where credit is due!!

Signs of the Modern Woman

Leave me some comment love!! I'd love to hear from you! *mwah*

New Medications for Women Only!

Apparently there are a few new drugs out there for women that I have just found out about. I felt you might benefit from these as well. 

Here is an advertisement for the newest one available.

There are some other drugs that I'd never heard of either that I found... but each sounds just as helpful as the new drug Fukitol®.

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT

Plant extract that treats mum's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person."

BUYAGRA

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN

Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT

When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

I am real excited to give some of these an honest try. I think the next time I see my doctor, I will find out which of these medications best fits my particular needs. Perhaps you see something in this list that might interest you. Leave me some comment love and tell me all about it.

In Case You Missed Sunday's Sermon

Lately, I have missed out on Sunday sermons. So when I received this in my email, I thought... I have to post this for others who may have missed their Sunday sermon.

"Four Worms and a Lesson"

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following

The first worm in alcohol

DEAD

The second worm in cigarette smoke

DEAD

Third worm in chocolate syrup

Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil

Alive!

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, 
you won't have worms!" 

That pretty much ended the sermon.