This Just In!

I received a text from @PurpleBrina17 today!

Her message read:

Ronald McDonald's crazy ass just killed Burger King in front of Dairy Queen over that bitch Wendy. The funeral is at Churches. U goin'?

Of course I had to do some research and then ask other friends the same question...

In my research I found that this feud started some time ago. Apparently, Burger King thought he shot Ronald McDonald last year. So you can imagine his surprise when Ronald McDonald showed up and told him that a clone was killed instead. Shortly after this astonishing news, Ronald McDonald pulled out what some witnesses believed to be a .45 caliber semi-automatic and emptied the clip into the Burger King.

I also heard that Captain D's is actually pulling all funeral arrangements together...

However, I didn't know how I was to get there, IF I were to go.

Shortly after sending this information on, I received a text from @TwiSisterhood. She she said that you take the Subway by KFC Street to get there. She was going to ask Jack, but he's currently in a Box... somewhere.

At this point, I'm not sure I'm going. I really was spooked by that fucking head transplant that King had... He was just really creepy and such a perv (in a bad way).

Let me know if YOU are going!

Email HuMoR -- Retirement

Ok, as said before, people send me the most hilarious emails so I can laugh, because laughter really is good medicine. So without further ado, enjoy!

Retirement

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the "Purina Diet" again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people.. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Why Women Can't Sleep

I love to receive humorous emails, especially when I need a really good laugh. I received this the other day and it explains so much...don't you think?

Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?

Well, it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:

Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.

A man has only 2 balls.

They consume all his thoughts, and he sleeps like a baby.

More later... after I sleep.

"Divine Misdemeanors" by Laurell K. Hamilton

I woke this morning with several subjects on my mind. I found myself full of enough material to pontificate through several blog posts. Of course, this is my blog, nobody else posts to it, except in comments... which means I could blog about ALL the shit that's on my mind.... but I won't. Not today, or at least not now.

Today, it is time for me to post my review on a book I just finished reading, "Divine Misdemeanors" by Laurell K. Hamilton. 

First off, let me preface that Laurell K. Hamilton has made it into the "Author's I love to read" category. She is very descriptive and creative in all the books I have read of hers. She is also on my list of books that I can't wait to read.

I have read all her books in this series about Meredith Gentry, Private Eye and Faerie Princess. All of them seemed to flow right into the next. However after her last book, "Swallowing Darkness," I wasn't exactly sure where she could go in this latest, "Divine Misdemeanors." There was no Prince Cel to continuously attack her... there was no Queen Andais to be frightened by... There were no secret assassination attempts on her life in this book. In fact, there almost was no lemons at all in this book. 

As I began to read through this book, I had a lot of mixed feelings. Where is the author going with this series? All the other books lead to Princess Meredith becoming Queen of the Unseelie Court, yet we don't see that. In fact, she's now back in Los Angeles being a private dick...er detective. We see faint instances where the demi-fey acknowledge that she is or may be a queen. I mean, she is King Sholto's Queen... *shiver* but nobody wants to acknowledge that kingdom! Right? Everyone seems to know that the Faerie mounds acknowledged or crowned her Faerie Queen, but we've seen her give that up for Frost. Well, let's just say, she believes she's given it up.. I on the other hand think otherwise.

Of course I was interested in the murder scenes and trying to find the murderer... but by about chapter 17, I'm wondering if this was just going to be another detective novel. I mean, where's the sex, where's the relationships, where's the faerie magic that we all love to read? 

Then there's this dream that Merry has where she's transported back to the Black Coach, which we all know comes to the ruler of the Unseelie Court... Merry is shown this battlefield which reminds her of the previous battle in  "Swallowing Darkness." Through this dreamscape, she sees Brennan and finds him trapped in battle... She hears how Brennan calls her to him with blood, metal, and magic... As her dream begins to fade, she orders the Black Coach to take him and his men to safety and the she wakes.

I'm sitting there in goosebumps wondering what's to become of this dream... All we know is there is some kind of war going on, but we're not taken any further into why this happened. We're brought back to the mystery at hand... 

Finally, around chapter 21, the lemons start. But I begin to feel like it is all quickly added in by the author. Like... "OMG I forgot to include some sex into my story." I found myself actually feeling sorry for Merry because I felt like every time she walked through a door, she was getting banged. I was puzzled at first that she was having sex with men who were not the babies' fathers... I thought there was a law against that or something... but then I began to see that Merry is starting to make her own rules. She's creating her own monarchy or dynasty. So rules seem to be changing.

We also begin to see the true colors of Barinthius. He struggles to want to be a god once again and begins to defy Merry.

Where is the author going with this book? What is she building up too? It seems to me that this book is pivotal to something else, something huge. Perhaps a new faerie mound? Will there be a faerie war? What of the babies? How will they factor in? Also, I'm left wondering if somehow Merry's 'humanness' is fading with her faerieness...(that's not a word, but still) as her magic grows, it seems that perhaps that human factor of frailty is leaving.

Overall this book was worth the read, however there were parts to it that I felt were contrived or perhaps artificial. I definitely felt this book is pivotal in whatever course the author will begin next. I look forward to her next installment to the Meredith Gentry series!

...more later!

Signs of the Modern Woman

As you are aware, I receive some very hilarious emails just about everyday. Some stuff gets a chuckle then tossed, but other stuff, even though labor intensive to share on this blog, is worth more than one chuckle.

I do not know where these images come from...but if they belong to you, it is not my intent to leave these anonymous... Just drop me an email and I'll give credit where credit is due!!

Signs of the Modern Woman

Leave me some comment love!! I'd love to hear from you! *mwah*

New Medications for Women Only!

Apparently there are a few new drugs out there for women that I have just found out about. I felt you might benefit from these as well. 

Here is an advertisement for the newest one available.

There are some other drugs that I'd never heard of either that I found... but each sounds just as helpful as the new drug Fukitol®.

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT

Plant extract that treats mum's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person."

BUYAGRA

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN

Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT

When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

I am real excited to give some of these an honest try. I think the next time I see my doctor, I will find out which of these medications best fits my particular needs. Perhaps you see something in this list that might interest you. Leave me some comment love and tell me all about it.

In Case You Missed Sunday's Sermon

Lately, I have missed out on Sunday sermons. So when I received this in my email, I thought... I have to post this for others who may have missed their Sunday sermon.

"Four Worms and a Lesson"

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following

The first worm in alcohol

DEAD

The second worm in cigarette smoke

DEAD

Third worm in chocolate syrup

Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil

Alive!

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, 
you won't have worms!" 

That pretty much ended the sermon.

Visit to the Eye Doctor

I've not been real consistent on my blogging lately. I do apologize for that. In my defense, I have been extremely busy with RL... Yeah, I know... excuses... Well, get used to it.

I am one of those people who hates to go to the doctor, but more importantly, I hate to have to find NEW doctors. I've been in Arizona now for just over one year and still haven't found dentists, doctors, or eye doctors. My health has seen better days but I've ignored all tell tale signs that would indicate that I might need to see a doctor. However, recently I began having more frequent migraines and it has been more difficult to focus on small print. I would say my arms aren't long enough. Well, perhaps its time to see an eye doctor.

My eyes have gotten bad enough that reading has become difficult and not fun. My frustration left me struggling with my work and no desire to read anymore. Well, that just won't do.. SO I had to find an eye doctor.. *yippee* I did the "close your eyes and point trick" to finding an eye doctor. Actually, truth be known, I picked the first on the list because she was closest to home. Same diff tho, right?

I was dreading the day... today... day before my dreadful birthday. I expected to have my eyes dilated, which meant 4-6 hours of guarding my eyes against the light, because I'm light sensitive, and having extra blurry vision during most of that time as well. This meant, a non-productive day for me. Ugh!

Apparently, technology has grown over the past 3 years. They have this new machine that does what dilation did. They blind you with a strobe like light and take a picture of the inside of your eyeballs. The flash is instantaneous, the spots in your eyes after, not so much. So, I was blinded for about 20 minutes... remember, I'm light sensitive.. So the blindness was so much 'blind' as it was me trying to adjust back to normal so I wouldn't trigger a migraine. Trust me the technician really felt for me, but she felt that 20 minutes of spots and the potential a migraine was better than 4-6 hours of the same. I agreed.

This eye doctor, in my opinion was the best I have ever had. Of course this doctor was a woman. I love having women for my doctors. They listen, they talk. She showed me my eyeballs too! That, to me, was really cool!

Part one of the eye appointment was excellent!! Next, explaining to the optician why I have to have my glasses the way I have them... Ugh!

Every time I visit an optician for new glasses, I have to explain that I am light sensitive... Therefore the best that I have found for my eyes is glass lenses with photo grey, anti-glare, and lined bifocals. (Yes, I wear bifocals...) Anyway, I always, always get grief about the photo grey and the anti-glare. I also get grief over the lined bifocal rather than the "progressive" lenses.

You guessed it, we argued for the better part of 2 hours over just those subjects I just mentioned. Finally, I realized he might be right on the "transitions" instead of "photo grey" and he understood my argument about the bifocal lines instead of progressive lenses. Yes, you read that right... 2 hours! He thought he knew everything so he was trying to get me fitted quickly so he could go to lunch on time or something. Finally, after much deliberation, he realized he was going to need to wrap is brain around my dilemma if he was ever going to get rid of me. He finally told me that he was glad I came in because he loved his job, but lately, it had gotten boring. There weren't many challenges for him. He considered me a challenge. Hmm, is that a good thing? I hope so...

I have about a week to ten days before I get my new specs... I'll be able to see better. Yay!! 

... more later

Working Toward a Better Me ... I Think...

Over the past year, my stress load has been extremely high, with our 2 moves, kids’ school, my workload, the holidays, etc. I've had to take my pain killers more often & my eating & sleeping habits have gotten pretty bad.

In talking with a couple of friends, and their coercion to get myself better, I took on a bit of a challenge. Well, I suppose I’ve made it a challenge, perhaps because just the right person who for some strange reason, I feel competitive toward (you know who you are *wink*), suggested I workout with her. Her idea was to workout with our Wiis together… except, since the move, I can’t find my Wii. Trust me, I’m still looking. However, until then, my friend suggested that I walk instead. She said, “You only need 20-30 minutes to start.” Since I already knew this, I figured, in my tiny little brain, that she was still challenging me and that the excuse of not finding my Wii wasn’t going to work. Damn! Ok, fine, you win my friend. I accept your challenge!

Today marks my first day of walking for 20-30 minutes before I begin my day. I'm skeptical about this commitment. It means I have to exercise! Ugh! I hate exercise… but admittedly, I hate feeling like a slug, being overweight, and being in pain even more.

So, what then do I write? Should I share where I walked? Or how far I walked? Or perhaps, how miserable or thrilled I was to walk? How about why am I choosing to do something I loathe so much? Hmm… there are some possibilities.

As stated, I’m not one to exercise. If a walk takes me to a destination, like from my truck to the store door, then fine, I'll walk; but to walk just because? I don't do 'just because'... I have too much on my plate to take time out to walk. Or do I?

First off, I've learned something… You are the one that makes your own schedule. No one else can. I’m not very good at this, I'm what you would call, 'organizationally challenged'. Yeah, that’s it! I’ll probably find that either family, friends, or even clients may become upset that I have trouble juggling my time. However, I have that problem already and the only way to correct this problem is to figure out another way to organize myself. The only way to learn to better one’s self, is to try. So, this is me trying.

Here are some goals I have:

1. Create a more positive me
2. Lose weight
3. Get out of pain
4. Relieve stress
5. Unpack my home
6. Get lots of work done & get caught up

My list seems short, but it isn't really. Each point has sub points that I won't bore you with, yet. Nevertheless, in order to accomplish these goals, I have to create a schedule that works. I used to have one and somehow, I became derailed. I let other things get me distracted. Well, here's me putting my derailed self back on track.

Let's begin with a schedule. This schedule is not yet in stone, so there's no reason to become upset at myself if I fall off course. I tell myself this, but in reality, I get very negative and upset with myself if I don't keep up. There is a way around this negative part, but first, here's my schedule.

1. Get up by 8 a.m.
2. Walk 20-30 minutes in the morning.
3. Hit the shower! Eat! Get coffee! (The 3-musts to get my brain functioning.)
   
4. Take time for me. (This is my quiet time for my devotions.)
5. Make sure boys are on track for their school. (By now, they should have had breakfast and should be ready to conquer their day. (This could take all of 10 minutes or a couple hours, depending on what they need.)
6. Begin with work.

Well, so far today, I am off schedule.

1. I woke THIS morning at 10 a.m.
2. However, the first thing I did once up was go for my walk. I walked 45 minutes, not 30.
3. I did hit the shower, I ate & I consumed coffee.
4. My 'me' time wasn't what I wanted it to be, however, I used it to write this post which I felt, was important to help me with my goal of creating a more positive me.
5. I checked in with my boys and found they had their social studies underway and they were writing their required assignments.

Therefore, I am currently at a juncture. Now, I must focus on work. So, for now, I will finish this post so that I might begin to organize my work routine.

I'm not much with challenges, but if you would like to work with me and challenge yourself to get into shape, or perhaps you just want to encourage me, post a comment.

I'll post again with my progress later.

Here's to good health!

Life As I Know It

October marked the time when life, my life that is, turned upside down. Well, o.k. not really upside down, but it sounded good in my head. Can't you hear the symphony in the background? Music is swelling... *looks around* You can't? Oh dear... Well, turn your volume up! ... still can't hear it... er... it must be in my head then. Oh GAWD!

Ok, actually let's step back in time just a little tiny bit more. We had a BIG, MONSTROUS move back in December of 2008. We moved, or were moved, from Idaho to Arizona by my husband's new company. I must admit the move package was awesome! They packed us, moved us, and unpacked some of us. We figured the home we were renting would be very temporary so we only unpacked what we thought to be essential.

There are pros and cons to this method of moving. First, if you don't unpack everything, then when its time to move again, you don't have so much to pack. However, if you don't unpack, you end up either buying what you need, even though you know that somewhere in one of the hundreds of boxes, you own said item, OR you end up digging through said boxes trying to find that one item... and then another item... and another. Ok, I think you get the point.

A 6-month rental turned into more & more. Finally, in September of 2009, our house in Idaho sold! Yay! We lost money overall in that sale, but we were able to pay the loan off with enough money to buy a cup of coffee when all was said & done. Ok, ok... Coffee is not that expensive! However, the amount of change we received was not enough to put a down payment on another house. So, I tucked it away for another day.

Now, we roll into October 2009. My Realtor here in Arizona takes me through about 5 different homes to chose from here, encouraging me every step of the way... assuring me that she is confident that even though we have NO DOWN PAYMENT, we can still buy a home. *Yeah, right* What are you smokin' Wendy?! Ha!

I found 2 homes I thought were nice enough & inexpensive enough, so I showed my husband. He felt the same way ... but he looked anyway. He liked my choices & after a very short articulation between the two of us *the amount of time that it takes to fall asleep* we'd made our decision. The following morning, my Realtor got the ball rolling to purchase a house.

Everything went so smoothly. The sellers were desperate to sell so they agreed to EVERYTHING, including repairing every little thing we asked to be fixed. I have NEVER had a deal go so fast & without SNAFUs from the seller (or buyer). This must be a gift from God, right?

My Realtor contacts the lender & tells him about our serious lack of finances. He in turn says, "HEY, NO PROBLEM! In fact, they'll end up getting change back when all is said & done." *oh boy, oh boy!*

Lender sets us up with a "Rural" loan & sends our paperwork to the underwriter of the first investor. We get turned down. Wanna know why? The company's move package put us earning too much! Yeah... I'm deflated now. My lender pats us on the shoulder & assures us that he will continue to press because he feels they are considering the package as continual income when it is only a one time thing. We press on.

In very short order, the lender sends our paperwork to a second investor. Again, the extra finances are the issue and were turned down again. At this point, we're doing the *Midas shrug*... Two down, what's left? Our lender informs us that come the first of December, his company will be licensed to do this kind of loan & he's certain he can work miracles for us at that time.

So, we all agreed, sellers & buyers, let's see what happens. So we wait for Thanksgiving to pass. December rolls in...The paperwork is processed... Yep, you guessed it... income is again the issue. But this time, the underwriter listens to my lender and agrees that the said move package should not be included. Yay! But wait... my husband just received TONS of OT at work and hey look, he's also received a bonus from his company for spending more time at work than at home.

Our lender sat in the underwriter's office explaining every penny of our "added" income. The underwriter finally agreed with my lender so, my lender sent all files to underwriter to sign. Ok... so WTH was she still not signing? WTH did we miss our closing date? Apparently, closing dates don't mean anything here. We missed our closing date! Yep... So the lender contacted seller to let them know more of what's going on! Seller, although I'm sure very uptight at this point, agrees to hang just a bit longer. I mean, what are they going to do, put the house on the market again? Sheesh!

The day before Christmas Eve, we receive an email! The underwriter has signed off, now we send to the Rural loan people to get your money! Yay?!?! Can they still reject us? Yes, they can!

Christmas was very stressful. Not only are we waiting to finalize our house, but my parents were here the whole week before Christmas. So we were trying to be hospitable as well. We waited to hear, but we were told we wouldn't hear until after Christmas. *obviously*

On December 28, 2009, we were contacted at 3 pm in the afternoon. "Get your butts up to the title company! If you sign today it will record tomorrow..." Both my husband & I take off from our separate locations to race to the title company before they close. It took 45 minutes to drive there, but of course, I'm out of gas... Ugh! I finally arrive shortly after hubby, its now about 4:15 pm... But we get in, & find they are waiting for us. Even the receptionist looks at us & says, "You must be the ..." we nod, sheepishly!

Rural loans have a lot of extra paperwork that you have to go through. It took an hour to sign all papers.

You'd think that the "recording" part would be fast... right? Maybe we'd get the keys by noon?? HELL NO! We almost didn't get the keys that next day. But my Realtor & our Lender both did a lot of pushing! By 3 pm, December 29th, my Realtor calls me... "Are you home?"

"Yes..." are respond, "of course where else would I be... I want my keys."

"I've been knocking at your door & you're not answering," she says.

OH CRIPES! I run downstairs & she's standing at the door holding my house keys up in front of me with a giant grin on her face!

We are now proud owners of this beautiful home!

4-Bedroom, 3-Full Bathrooms, about 2300 sq ft!

We are so excited to FINALLY be done with this very stressful chapter of our lives. However, this has imposed other stressors too. My business has had to take a back burner because so much was unknown. We weren't sure when we would be moving. All projects had to be delayed. So, my clients are not too happy for those delays. Thank you! Now my clients are all thrilled that I now have a new house... but they wish the move would hurry up so we can focus. I can't blame them! So, I want to thank all who have been patiently waiting on my life to settle down. We're almost there!